Decide what to be, and go be it

It hasn’t sunk in yet that I’ve lived my whole life with a countdown clock. That I’ve been harboring, even nurturing, the enemy within city walls. I think I’m a pretty mindful person with a good attention to detail and great intuition. I pick up on things others may not and am generally a good read on situations and people, yet I have lived almost 42 complete years in oblivion. I’ve heard about genetic testing and abnormalities on tv, read about it online and talked about it with friends who themselves have been affected, yet I never thought maybe I should get tested? In fact, I thought quite the opposite — I’m not at risk.

I’ve been hyper-aware of melanoma for as long as I can remember, feeling terrified I would get it like my grandmother and her sister and her niece. Doctors downplayed my concern, moving my annual exams to once every three years. Despite that, I’ve remained vigilant. I wear daily moisturizers with sunscreen year-round, buy clothes with SPF and avoid direct rays as much as possible. My kids looks like they’ve fallen into a glue bottle when they’re on the beach — sticky, white and covered in sand from the zinc-based blockers I lather them in.

So I’ve always felt my risk for melanoma was high, but avoidable. This gene mutation is just so hard to wrap my brain around. I’ve had these broken genes since birth. On the one hand, science has come a long way in the past 40 years so it would have been quite the journey living with that knowledge before the advancements we enjoy today. But on the other, I’m left feeling like a stranger in a body I don’t fully know or understand. I was given a deed to a house without a proper inspection. I’ve taken this body for granted and given it too much trust.

All of this has me thinking about the “I met my younger self” trend on social. While I enjoy the idea and I love the self-support sentiment, I find it hard to think I would say anything consequential to my younger self (but QQ: what’re the rules on stock purchases, bets, etc.? just curious … ). Is it better to live in oblivion than to live with fear? There’s no way to know and the whole idea creates so many anxiety-inducing questions …

Instead, I think I’ll share words for my children to grow and learn by. I try to model values for them to live by in action each day, but when we all look back on this time in a few years, I want them to know I was strong, held my convictions, and did it all — every treatment, every strand of hair lost, every surgery, shot, insane medical bill — for them. OK I’m doing it for me, too, because I need to see who they grow up to be. I love every minute I get to spend with them and the thought of being robbed of even a second makes my stomach hurt. It’s been so long since I’ve experienced anything significant for the first time and Lil and Alex are at the ages where they’re mystified almost daily. They’re learning new things about the world, themselves, me every single day. And their faces as they come to realizations and their minds put pieces together — it’s simply a joy to experience, cheesy as that sounds. They are tiny people with big personalities, and even bigger hearts, and I look forward to seeing what impact they’ll make on this world.

So here are my words not for my younger self, but for my older children.

Hey you two! Look at us! Can you believe it’s been years since we went through that?! Do you even remember? Remember how I lost my hair and you both loved asking me to take my hat off so you could rub my head? Then quickly asking me to put it back on! How we spent way too much time on the couch watching TV while I was too tired to do anything, yet it somehow was never enough time because you two are champion snugglers. How we woke up on a Sunday and jumped in the car and drove to the zoo in Columbia because I was feeling well and wanted to do something fun?

If I’ve done anything right, I won’t need to give you this advice, but I’m going to share it anyway for the folks reading my blog in 2025. (I know? Like soooo long ago is this even still relevant? Also I’m sure this will sound like the way people talk from the 1900s and not modern times … I’ll just stop now …).

Practice gratitude daily. Take a few minutes — it doesn’t have to take any time at all — to be grounded in the moment you’re in and take stock of all the beautiful things in life, despite any mess you may have on your plate. Messes are always manageable, especially with time and the help — ask for help!! — of friends and family and are always, always fleeting. Some days the beautiful pieces will seem small and insignificant, but they are always there, and they always include the love from your mom, dad, sibling and the rest of our family. And if you’re mindful of them, the beautiful things you count will grow in number, and each of them will flourish.

Don’t hold back love. Sometimes giving your love away will hurt big, but that’s a critical part of life and learning. And when you give your love — your time, your caring, your energy, your thoughts — to someone, whether friend or partner, who is receptive, respectful and deserving of your love, you’ll feel it in your entire being. And never be afraid to tell someone you love that you love them.

But also, love takes work. Just its existence doesn’t ensure it can continue on infinitely. It takes work, like a garden and — just like that garden — the fruits of your love will grow and change with time, looking different at each stage over the life of the relationship. From the time and dedication involved in planting a seed, first tilling and nurturing the soil, then cultivating the flower, ensuring the right balance of water and sunlight, and through dormant phases of that plant’s life. So too do our relationships evolve. Remember that discord does not mean the death of the plant, but rather that extra attention is needed to evaluate if there is something to salvage and if you can work with nature to do that. If there is something there, don’t shy away from the heavy lifting. Love is never easy, but it is always worth it.

And along those lines, compromise. Compromise doesn’t mean backing down or giving in, it certainly doesn’t mean caving on your values, but it does mean recognizing that your preferences are just that, yours. It means working to maintain the balance of give and take. We live in a beautiful, complicated patchwork world with a multitude of options for just about anything you can think of, and society would fall apart (oh god, I hope you’re reading this as part of a functioning society in the future) if we couldn’t compromise. If we slammed our fists on the table and said “my way or no way. What I want is what everyone has to have or else,” then no one wins, walls go up and hate has replaced love, respect, understanding.

Remember there is space for everyone — not everything is a competition for limited assets. If your friend, sibling, partner wins an award, gets promoted, receives recognition or accolades or just has a really amazing time when you haven’t or didn’t — celebrate them honestly and enthusiastically. There is no master count of the number of opportunities in the world that ticks down each time someone wins and celebrating each other feels really good.

Communicate clearly and regularly — but don’t confuse or misuse honesty. Accept honest feelings and thoughts and give them back. It’s OK — important even — to say “I want to be honest about how I’m feeling or something I’ve experience,” and also “you’re honest expression makes me feel X.” But you can’t shut down honesty — you must accept it openly and without defensiveness. Likewise, don’t use honesty to veil a complaint or a concern — take time to think through what you need to say as heat-of-the-moment reactions can be quite damaging and with the benefit of even a small amount of time and space we often find the thing we were wound up about was a total nothingburger. But nothingburgers that haven’t been given time can turn into total dumpster fires.

It is 10000000% OK to feel off about things, to have a bad day, to not like the way someone slurps their soup, to be mad, but these things all feel better and seem more insignificant with time.

Humans are imperfect and flawed (run from anyone who says they aren’t) and feelings are messy and complicated. Give space to work through these, understanding there may not always be a solution. And know what your absolutes are so you know when to stick to your values and walk away. But never act on impulse.

And sometimes communication needs to happen with a professional rather than with your friend, family member or partner. Psychologists and psychiatrists are always on your side wanting you to be the best version of yourself to exist peacefully and, perhaps, successfully, in society. Lean on them when you need extra guidance and tools to navigate a particular situation.

Live big, without fear. Be smart, aware of your surroundings, make good choices, but also live, love, have fun. Be cautious but take risks. Enjoy every moment, but don’t create a (metaphorical) debt in one moment that may take you a lifetime to pay off.

People are people. No matter what they look like, who they love or how they identify. People want to be seen, heard, loved, accepted. If they have love in their hearts and act with kindness, see them, hear them, love them, accept them. And if you can, be an advocate and an ally.

Love is love. It is also many, many things. It’s not always romantic. There is no limit on how much love you can give or receive. It is everything. You deserve it. Everyone deserves it.

Most importantly, I hope you always know — know in the deepest way down in your bones — that you are loved. You were wished for, prayed for, hoped for, even begged for. You came from love, into love and are love. Who you are is up to you, but if you hold that love in you and share it with the world, we will always be proud of you.