Super Keri 🦸‍♀️

It turns out the years of jokingly blaming “my ADHD” weren’t joking at all, but unintended honesty.

It’s official.

My therapist has said it’s my super power. She wasn’t the one to diagnose me, but when I told her I thought I had it her loving, supportive, emphatic response was, basically, ya think?

I mean, there were signs. Chronic list making (and remaking, and checking, and rechecking), oversharing, interrupting, constantly moving, and on and on.

And now add the fuel of menopause onto that dumpster fire and voilà!

The decline of estrogen levels disrupts — well, disrupts everything — your brain’s ability to focus, remember, and to control emotions.

Yay.

In hindsight I’ve realized I’ve been coping with ADHD my entire life and have, unknowingly, built a toolbox to aid in thriving with a neurodiversity. With years of practice and attention I’ve gotten pretty good at using ADHD to my benefit, masking the traits and overworking to ensure I am not setting myself up to fail.

Quilting my superhero cape one painfully precise square at a time.

It has been eye opening to learn that things I thought were normal (doesn’t everyone have an audio track playing in their head at all times? Don’t you also rehearse how you’ll greet the pharmacist the entire way from your home all the way into the store?) or “just me” quirks (my brain just can’t remember things!) were in fact ADHD.

Now, with the before mentioned addition of menopause, my old tools aren’t always cutting it. Like trying to cut a bagel with a butter knife. You’ll eventually get there, but it’s going to take time, efforts, and perhaps a flesh wound.

You’d think having more information would lead to better living, but it’s like having spinach in your teeth. Before you realize it’s there, you’re blissfully unaware. Sure, something may feel a little off, but you brush it aside and move on. Others around you may or may not see it — some may ignore it, some may think you’re fine and you’ll figure it out, others may gently try to indicate it to you.

But once you do know it’s there it’s all you can think about. How long has it been there? Is everyone staring at it? How do I get it out? What will I use to get it out? Is it awkward if I get up and leave the table right now? Will anyone notice if I try to get it out right now?

And whether because of the loss of my job or the revelation of ADHD, my anxiety has also ratcheted up its game.

And its exhausting.

I really want to be writing. I certainly have the time these days. But I can’t get myself into the right mental space. Even trying to write this blog has been a challenge — and I know you’ll feel it reading it. The words just aren’t flowing. They feel forced.

So, I’ve been procrastinating, finding distractions around the house and waiting for the inspiration to come, for the story to find me. My to-do list is done and my wish list of “when I have time” projects is nearly complete. I’m running out of excuses to keep me from sitting down to write. To remove whatever mental block I’ve built so the words can flow.

I hope that happens soon. I need the emotional boost from writing something good.

But I did just get a new puzzle.